Kidz Bop

Are you familiar with Kidz Bop? Please feast your ears upon this aural abortion:

The Kidz Bop series of albums feature popular (read: mostly shitty) songs re-recorded with soundalike vocalists and a chorus of kids. Kidz Bop is considered to be safe for children, unlike the songs in their original form (which are entirely of the devil.)

The disorienting experience of hearing the opening notes of a song, recognizing the song, and then realizing you're hearing a bastardization of the original song featuring screeching tweens and a Carnival cruise ship performer is pure hell. It's easily worse than hearing John Mayer's version of "Bold as Love," Elton John doing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," and Aerosmith vomiting "Come Together" on three stereos simultaneously. On the other hand, it's actually better than the cover of "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit. So, it has that going for it, I guess.

Kidz Bop is child abuse.

Hypercolor Clothing

Is it just me, or was Hypercolor a cruel joke played on the pubescent? Everyfreakingbody had one of these t-shirts in the 6th grade. One girl, in fact, had the shorts/shirt combo. After she saw what happened after P.E., she no longer had the shorts/shirt combo.

Essentially, a Hypercolor t-shirt was flimsy evidence of sexual assault that lasted 5 minutes.

The Kindle

The Kindle is a $300 device that allows you to read books. Can I get a WTF?

I need books in several places: my chair, my bedside table, my son's karate class, my doctor's office, and my bathroom. That's a lot of moving around for a book. WAIT -- NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S A BOOK. IT IS EASIER TO TRANSPORT THAN THE KINDLE. There is no worry involved in book transport. This is not the iPod versus an entire record collection. This is an electronic device that's shaped like a book versus a book. Okay, more than one book, but what the hell? Do you really need your whole library at the touch of a button? Isn't it more satisfying to walk over to the shelf, run your finger along the spines, and pull down a book? And perhaps take that book with you somewhere? Jesus, people have really gotten stupid.

Look, it's obvious that I don't live the same life as a person who feels that it is necessary to own a Kindle. I'm sure there are many people who love their Kindles. I've heard about the ease of searching a text for words or phrases. The Kindle never killed a tree. Whatever.

It really all boils down to one thing.

Using a Kindle in public makes you look like an incredible douche.

Your First Mustache

Look. Everybody knows that you're proud. You've probably said "Hello, ladies" six hundred times today. Sure, 599 of them were uttered into random reflective surfaces, but you've got to start somewhere. I understand that your boys are finally serving a purpose rather than just hanging out and occasionally getting hit with blunt objects. I know that you think this makes you look grown up and ready to possibly touch a boob if she would just stop pushing your hand away for half a second DAMN.

Here's the thing: it doesn't.

You look like you've been suckling hind teat. You are a gangly, awkward mess with zits and a cracking voice. You aren't cute anymore and you smell. Puberty sucks, and you're simply going to have to struggle through it.

Do yourself a favor and shave that thing off -- it will grow back, and it will one day be glorious. Or you could always cover it in milk and let the cat lick it off. Take care of this. You might hate me today, but you'll thank me tomorrow.

Now cut that out before you go blind.

The High Wheel Bicycle

Just look at this thing.

This was not the first bicycle, but it was the first pedal-powered, two-wheeled form of transport to be called a bicycle. It is now called "The Face Paster" or "sublimely retarded."

The high wheel bicycle cost about six months' salary, so it was essentially a playtoy of the rich, and boy, nothing says smug like a handlebar-moustachioed fratboy cruising high above the crowd. And nothing says hilarity like that guy falling from great heights onto a fire hydrant, or the Victorian-era comedic equivalent.

The phrase "taking a header" actually comes from the traditional dismount from the high wheel bicycle as shown in the picture above. A well-placed rock, stick, or infant could bring the rider down in a spectacular fashion. I'd argue that the rider probably deserved it.

1980s Spokes...er...things Pt.1

Dear 1980s Advertising Executives,

I know you're out driving your 325i Cabrio convertibles and probably aren't paying any attention, but I want to tell you something: I hate you. I hate you with the intensity of a truckload of Pop Rocks dumped into a swimming pool filled with Mountain Dew. You introduced ridiculous ideas into my childhood and caused me to become an unserious person.

Example 1 - Spuds MacKenzie



Spuds was all over the place -- TV commercials, print ads, t-shirts, albums that likely featured Bruce Willis, and posters (including one on my wall: "I'm getting my Ph.D. Partier of the Highest Degree!" I was 10! My parties had cake, ice cream, and lots of moms.)

I get it. Dog shows up and parties gets started, supposedly because dog brought the brew. I understand the concept. However, I have a few problems:

1. You put sunglasses on a dog. Congratulations. This is the most creative example of visual personification since they put thumbtacks in Mr. Ed's mouth.

2. There's no way the dog could transport a yacht party's worth of Bud Light in that tiny submarine, let alone pilot the sub, nor even open the airlock without opposable thumbs. I'm willing to suspend reality for the sake of entertainment, but your commercials do not qualify as entertainment.

3. I understand that these ads were intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but the Spuds campaign was tongue-somewhere-else. It is clear that Spuds was popular with the ladies. Human ladies. In party dresses. On yachts. You introduced beastiality to an entire generation, and now people do this. You disgust me.

It is entirely your fault that I do not question the absurd. I hope you get rectal cancer.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. Bud Light sucks.

Statement of Purpose

People often do stupid things -- especially when they see other people doing stupid things. Companies often produce stupid things -- especially when they know that said stupid thing will make a buck from stupid people. The Museum of (Popular) Bad Ideas was created as a repository of stupidity with the futile purpose of preventing society from repeating these mistakes.

Thanks to Adam Carolla for the (hopefully popular) bad idea.