1980s Spokes...er...things Pt.1

Dear 1980s Advertising Executives,

I know you're out driving your 325i Cabrio convertibles and probably aren't paying any attention, but I want to tell you something: I hate you. I hate you with the intensity of a truckload of Pop Rocks dumped into a swimming pool filled with Mountain Dew. You introduced ridiculous ideas into my childhood and caused me to become an unserious person.

Example 1 - Spuds MacKenzie



Spuds was all over the place -- TV commercials, print ads, t-shirts, albums that likely featured Bruce Willis, and posters (including one on my wall: "I'm getting my Ph.D. Partier of the Highest Degree!" I was 10! My parties had cake, ice cream, and lots of moms.)

I get it. Dog shows up and parties gets started, supposedly because dog brought the brew. I understand the concept. However, I have a few problems:

1. You put sunglasses on a dog. Congratulations. This is the most creative example of visual personification since they put thumbtacks in Mr. Ed's mouth.

2. There's no way the dog could transport a yacht party's worth of Bud Light in that tiny submarine, let alone pilot the sub, nor even open the airlock without opposable thumbs. I'm willing to suspend reality for the sake of entertainment, but your commercials do not qualify as entertainment.

3. I understand that these ads were intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but the Spuds campaign was tongue-somewhere-else. It is clear that Spuds was popular with the ladies. Human ladies. In party dresses. On yachts. You introduced beastiality to an entire generation, and now people do this. You disgust me.

It is entirely your fault that I do not question the absurd. I hope you get rectal cancer.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. Bud Light sucks.